We met with a pediatric immunologist and for the quickest results we agreed to a few panels of skin tests, which involved a small game of “prick the skin and measure the welts”. Since we got out of bed on the lucky side that morning, we were greeted in the testing room by Angry Standoffish Uncommunicative Nurse Lady. The dirty black oil her heart pumped apparently got in the way of performing the tests properly, and we were initially told he had one hell of a rice allergy and we should run home and throw out our entire fridge’s stock of rice milk (the last milk substitute he was allowed to drink). They also claimed he was no longer even slightly allergic to cow’s milk, so we scheduled a tolerance test called a “milk challenge”, which is surprisingly not at all related to Double Dare with Marc Summers.

We hadn’t quite made it back to the returns desk at Hippie Whole Foods when we got the phone call that Angry Lady read the test upside down or sideways, and for safety’s sake we should just repeat the tests, on their dime.

The corrected results showed violent allergies to milk, eggs, soy, peanuts, and beef. All I could think of when I saw his back was the fistfight joke from our parents’ generation, “Boy, if that’s what Panel A looks like, I’d hate to see the other guy”.

Though the peanut allergy is cause for alarm, what spooked us more was the doctor’s comment that the projectile vomiting and hives that went along with his severe milk allergy were most likely an anaphylactic reaction and we’re lucky nothing more deadly serious happened.

Aside from the more obvious detriments to having potentially fatal allergies, this also means we’re doomed to years of misunderstandings with well meaning people trying to relate, where we have to explain that no, their husband’s plumber who is lactose intolerant is not in the same situation as our son with an off the wall milk allergy and no, fatal anaphylaxis is not the same as a bad case of the farts.

E and I had joked for years that with our respective ailments and horrific allergies, we should consider never having children, never actively polluting the gene pool with such obvious disdain. We never dreamed that our jokes would come half-true, and our diaper bag would be filled with hypoallergenic stuffed toys and Epipens.

I was even “doing so well” that I managed to avoid having this thing shoved up my nose:

My hand is there in the photo to show how REALLY FRIGGING BIG THAT THING IS.

Anyway, I’ve been cleared for normal life activities. This means back to the gym, back to becoming an un-pasty white person again, and proper sleep and whatever else it is that I do. Allergy shots start Friday morning, I should be free of the grossness within two months.

Turns out I’ve got a large cyst in one of my left sinuses, walled off and harboring an undraining perpetual infection. I go in for surgery two Thursdays from now. Between the infection and the fact that I don’t respond to even prescription allergy medication, no wonder I’ve been so awfully tired the past few months.

I can’t say enough about good health insurance. I was on UTD’s crappy student insurance for awhile which covered nothing, and am now on BCBS full coverage through work. I was able to get an updated allergy test, the results of which I knew but acted as the formality needed to resume allergy shots and other niceties.

I used to hate seeing the doctor and dentist, until I went several years basically uninsured. I paid $900 a month out of pocket for prescriptions, all hospital bills, dentist visits. I didn’t realize how for granted I had taken something that simple, but the time without made its impact. It was actually the primary reason I changed gears to pursue the career path stability of an accounting degree, I never wanted to go through that again. I can understand now how much worse it must be trying to raise children at a dead end job without the security of knowing any medical costs are covered, and why people joke about moving to Canada.

I’m seriously considering sinus surgery though, since I have great health insurance. I’ve had a long history of sinus/nasal issues, and actually the reason I left Boston the first time in 1995 was over a sinus infection so bad it showed up on a CT scan of my head. My stepbrother’s father-in-law had some surgery a few years back to widen sinus passages and allow his sinuses to drain better, and he said it was one of the best decisions he’s ever made. We’ll see.

Anyway I knew when I woke up at 5:30am I’d be hurling all day, and hurl I did. I’ve barely left my bed, though I think I’m dehydrated enough that a trip to CVS to rock some purple sprite PediaLyte is in order.

I feel a little better, and have gotten half a glass of ginger ale down (as per Wes’ magic prescription). I hope this passes soon, supposedly I’m renting a moving truck and clearing the garage out into a storage unit tomorrow at noon.